Essential Facts a Mary Sue Should Know
by Daeril Ullothwen
Summary: This is a compilation of recorded reactions of our beloved Fellowship to common mistakes made by Mary Sues. If you are a Mary Sue, for Eru's sake read this. Those poor guys have enough on their plate without random OFCs dancing the samba with their sanity.
1. No singing!

Disclaimer: Announcement- The Lord of the Ring characters belong to J. R. R. Tolkien, not me. (If only I owned Aragorn and Legolas… *fangirl sigh* )

1. Do not sing to entertain the Fellowship. (It doesn't work)

The two men, four hobbits, elf, dwarf and wizard were making their way through the wild. A normal observer would have noticed a tenth member on the fellowship, and the said observer would be dutifully blinded by her indescribable beauty, and deafened by the melodious voice issuing from her perfect mouth.

A more observant observer would notice nine sets of teeth grinding and wads of cotton wool stuffed in the ears of the owners of the above mentioned teeth.

Apparently the cotton wool was not working.

'Even Estella can sing better than this!' wailed Pippin, and yelped as his favorite cousin kicked him on the shin.

Suddenly a different noise filled the air. The fellowship sped towards the source of the sound, the bloody (ahem, I mean, lovely) Mary Sue still singing. A horrible sight greeted them.

A mass of orcs were writhing and twisting on the ground, screeching and swearing. Under normal circumstances, orcs screaming is the most hideous and foulest ear-torture on Middle-Earth. But with the Mary Sue singing in the background, the Fellowship thought the orcs sounded like Arwen laughing with delight.

Oblivious to the staring Fellowship, the orcs went on shrieking, 'Make it stop!', 'My *%&$ *$ ears are on fire!', ' &$%*$ #% #&$%*$!'

'We should kill them you know... They ARE orcs after all…' trailed off Boromir, at a loss of what to do.

'If we are to kill them, now will be the best time. But… it doesn't feel right.' muttered Legolas.

Aragorn was staring daggers at the incessantly-singing Mary Sue. 'Let's continue our journey. Right now I feel that the orcs are on the same side as us.'

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A/N: Hope you enjoyed it. LEAVE A REVIEW. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaase? This is my first ever fanfic, and your kind reviews will help the following chapters immensely.


	2. Hand off their weapons

**A/N: Love all my reviewers! Chocolate coated lembas to all of you!**

Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own any of the LOTR characters. Nada. Negative.

2. Keep Your Amazing Weaponry Skills to Yourself. 

The next morning, the fellowship woke up one by one, looking bleary, sleep deprived and cranky. Needless to say, the Mary Sue's soothing lullabies had not sat well with them.

Legolas volunteered to prepare breakfast. Aragorn and Boromir decided to give the hobbits some training.

Aragorn unsheathed Anduril and… froze. And stared. As did the rest of the Fellowship, except the Mary Sue, who sat pretty, smiling benignly.

Aragorn let go of the sword as if it burnt his hand, which it probably did. The rest stuffed their knuckles into their mouths to stop laughing.

The Anduril was covered with diamonds. Which would not be so bad if there weren't so many emeralds, rubies, sapphires, pearls and amethysts too. Not to mention layers of lace.

'Pretty, isn't it?' chirped the Mary Sue sweetly, while the Heir to the Throne of Gondor repeatedly banged his head against a tree, screaming.

Fearing the worst, the others took out their weapons too.

Sure enough, the hilt of Boromir's sword had been transformed into a figurine of the Mary Sue, very busty and… not very conservative. Merry's and Pippin's daggers were now little neon orange lightsabres. The blade of Gimli's axe was HEART-SHAPED.

Gandalf promptly passed out when he saw that his magnificent staff had been turned into a cute little wand with a star on top.

'DAAAAAAADDYYYYY!' That was Legolas. He had just found out that his bow sang 'I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie world' when he touched it.

The only reason the MS was not being chopped up, spat on, and buried on the spot was the fact that she was, after all, a female.

As Gandalf slowly came around, Frodo drew out Sting, trembling. Everyone except the Mary Sue was surprised to see it unscathed.

'Hey… Sexy lady  
Op op op op oppan Gangnam Style!' Frodo broke into a horseback Gangnam style dance.

'Oi! That's SO unfair! How come HIS sword isn't ruined?' whined the others. Come on, can you blame them?

'Well. I made only some small changed to the Sting.' said the Mary Sue in her enchanting, ethereal and annoying voice. 'When it senses evil, it now glows with a pretty pink color. Cute, huh?'

Frodo's eyes bugged out.

'Pink? My sword turns %#$& PINK?'

Before he could recover, Sting suddenly gave a bright, nauseating pink glow.

'Ewww!' went the fellowship. Then, as realization hit them,

'F&%K! Orcs!'

Everyone ran to grab the weapons which each of them had thrown away with all their might. (It could be noticed that Boromir now opted to hold his sword by the sharpened end.)

They all waited, tense, systems full of adrenaline. Even the younger hobbits were determined to give a good fight. Every heart was pounding.

After a full hour of tension-filled waiting, Boromir muttered 'I think they are hiding behind the trees. Do not let your guard down.'

'Guys?' said the Mary Sue suddenly. 'I forgot to tell you; the Sting is not sensitive to Orcs anymore. It detects insects and bugs now. I HATE creepy-crawlies. Don't you?'

DEAD. SILENCE.


	3. Stop driving the hot Elf crazy

**A/N: A big thank you to all my reviewers. You guys make my day.**

**A/N to Prof. Tolkien: Sir, if you are reading my fanfiction from above, I understand if you feel like striking me with a bolt of lightning for what I put your wonderful characters of Middle-earth through. I want to apologize and also plead the excuse that I'm only making fun of the terrible Mary-Sues that are a serious plague to the Lord of the Rings World.**

3. You Are NOT Legolas's Soulmate, Okay? (This is a common misconception among Mary Sues that has caused many a heart breaks and cost a certain Elven prince many sanity points.)

'SCREEEEEEECH!'

Birds dropped dead from nearby trees as a brain-piercing shriek cannoned through the silence.

Everyone groaned. 'NOW what?'

The Mary Sue was staring at Legolas, pearly tears flowing down her flawless cheeks.

'Legolas, baby! You're wounded!'

Legolas baby glanced down and snorted.

'It's just a scratch, woman.'

'Oh, it's so _d__eep_!' sobbed the Mary Sue.

'It's not even bleeding. '

'You _must_ let me heal you…'

'No.'

'Please?'

'NO.'

'Please honey bunny?'

'KEEP AWAY FROM ME, ALRIGHT?'

Then… the Mary Sue gave him Her Best Puppy Dog Look, The Look That Melts Every Heart. The others watched with bated breath, munching popcorn.

Meekly, Legolas rolled up his sleeve and offered her his arm. The Mary Sue took it and started to sing (*wince*), and let her ears wash over the microscopic 'wound', veeeeery gently. The rest of the fellowship were howling with laughter, banging the ground with their fists.

The 'wound' disappeared.

The MS looked up and smiled into Legolas's blue eyes. He smiled back with gratitude, and leaned forward to kiss her beautiful lips. Their hearts were beating like one.

That's when good old Merry flicked a popcorn at the idiot elf's head.

Legolas snapped out of his trance. As the full realization of what happened hit him, he grabbed one of his arrows and started to stab the Mary Sue in a screaming frenzy. Everyone cheered.

'Yeah! That's the stuff! Way to go, honey bunny!'

Then, to their undying horror, they saw that the MS wasn't even scratched.

'You can't hurt me, cutie pie. My skin is tougher than mithril. Oooh… I LOVE it when you are angsty.

Come to me, lover boy!' trilled the Mary Sue.

Legolas took one look at her outstretched arms and threw his head back and howled. As the Fellowship watched, shocked, he turned and ran away, laughing hysterically, doing a weird little tap dance on the way.

Aragorn sighed. 'Ooookay. Does anybody know a good therapist?


	4. Vampires are not their thing

**A/N: To all my reviewers – You guys are awesome! Thank you for your support. 3**

** Um, a note before the story starts, this is a parody, so don't ask me how Gandalf owns a phone.**

** Hope you enjoy the new chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight (Thank Eru) or Lord of the Rings.**

4. Never go all Twilight on them 

Late that night, Aragorn was woken up by a weird feeling that someone was watching him. He sleepily opened his eyes.

Purple…

He blinked.

Purple eyes…

His eyes flew open. The Mary Sue was crouching over him, her amethyst eyes (Seriously? _Amethyst_?) only inches away from his.

Aragorn screamed like a stuck pig and scrambled away from the wide eyed Mary Sue. The others, woken up rudely by Aragorn's siren shriek, looked around for any sign of orcs, saw none and went back to sleep, swearing patiently.

'What the f%&k are you doing?'Aragorn hissed at the MS, his handsome and manly face(as the fanfiction writers love to describe it) colored with fifty shades of weirded-out.

'I was watching you sleep,' explained the Mary Sue, in what she obviously thought to be a seductive voice. 'It fascinates me. You say the most interesting things in your sleep.'

Aragorn bolted up a tree and spent the rest of the night there.

***Evening, next day***

The Mary Sue was clinging to Legolas's arm. The rest of the fellowship were keeping a safe distance, as he was visibly twitching.

'Oh Leggy… You are soooo beautiful… so handsome… flawless… so perfect…' crooned the Mary Sue. 'so perfect, you could be a vampire. Oh, maybe you _are_ a vampire…!'

Steady increase in twitching…

'Leggy darling. If you can bite me, I will become immortal too! Oh, we will be _so_ happy together! We can…'

' Yes, I will bite you,' interrupted Legolas. 'Yes, I will bite you… I WILL BITE YOU, CHEW YOU UP AND SPIT OUT THE BONES! YES! YES!'

As Aragorn, Boromir and Gimli held down the thrashing Elf, Gandalf phoned Legolas's therapist.

'Hello? Uh, yeah, his patient needs another session…WHAT?... Oh!...Please accept my sincere.. Ah… Um, ok, bye!'

'Bad news, my friends.' sighed Gandalf. 'His therapist has hung himself. Blamed _her_ in the note.'

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**A/N : Leave a review!**


	5. In Lothlorien

**A/N: My dear reviewers, ****_hannon le_****. I cannot even begin to say how AWESOME you guys are.**

**Disclaimer- I don't own Lord of the Rings. No really, it's true.**

5. Drinking is never a good idea. Doubly so when you are a Mary Sue.

A briefing about what happened since we last saw the Fellowship:

The gang got into 'a spot of bother in a lot of snow', as the Mary Sue called it, and chose to travel through the mines of Moria. They fought off a pack of orcs and a cave troll, and came face to face with a Balrog. The Balrog was thrown into the abyss by Gandalf's powerful magic, and Gandalf jumped in as well, as a protest to the Mary Sue following them.

After much mourning over Gandalf's death and yelling at the Mary Sue, the Fellowship were led by Aragorn into the forest of Lorien.

They met the Lord and Lady of Galadrim. Galadriel looked into all of their minds (What she saw in the Mary Sue's mind: _'LeggyArry LeggyArry LeggyArry LeggyArry…Eww, this Gala-lady needs make-up, like, soooo bad…Her hubby looks stoned, tee hee… LeggyArry LeggyArry LeggyArry LeggyArry'_). The Fellowship were welcomed graciously to Lothlorien despite you-know-who.

Now for the story:

Night had fallen in Lothlorien. The air was filled with sad, beautiful elven singing.

'What are they singing about?' whispered Sam, awestruck.

'A lament for Gandalf. I cannot tell you what it means, for the grief is still too...'

Suddenly the music and singing changed. It became angry and pissed off. Legolas gulped as he heard some Elvish curses in the song.

'Um… I think they are not too happy with us about bringing that wench here either.'

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A feast was organized to honor the guests. The dance floor was a spectacle and the food left the hobbits speechless. (It's hard to talk with your mouth stuffed full, anyway.)

Everyone was enjoying themselves when the inevitable happened.

The Mary Sue appeared.

The dress she was wearing had so many slits and lace that it looked like something Arwen or Galadriel would call lingerie. Not to mention that it was neon pink.

Two elleths rushed around the hall, handing everyone aspirin.

The Mary Sue looked around for Aragorn (who was hiding under a table) and Legolas (who had borrowed one of Galadriel's dresses and was pretending to be an Elf Maiden). Failing to locate them, she proceeded to dance with nearly every male Elf in the room.

She poured herself a glass of wine. Then a second glass, followed by a third. Then a fourth. A fifth.

The Mary Sue swayed on her lovely feet (Elven potent is very wine, you see.)

She looked around, her vision blurred. To her utmost delight, Legolas came towards her, holding out his hand.

'Come, you must go to your chamber.' he said gruffly. 'You are intoxicated.'

Giggling tipsily, she allowed him to escort her to her room.

When they were inside, the Mary Sue slowly closed the door…

…I'll spare you the 'details'(of which there were a lot. A lot.).

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The next morning, the Mary Sue woke up feeling great. Fabulous. In the seventh heaven of delight. She let out a long sigh. Oh that beautiful night…

She turned her head to look at her Legolas, who was also waking up.

Something was wrong.

'Good morning, lass.' Gimli grinned, throwing away a long blond wig and walked out of the room to collect the money Legolas owed him.

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**A/N: Don't forget to review! :-D**


	6. BIG, BLUE

**A/N: A big bunch of ****_elanor _****to my reviewers. Thank you3**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. If I ever do, Valar protect the characters.**

6. A Sane Ring Bearer Is Essential For The Quest

Aragorn could kick himself. Why hadn't _he_ thought of it? Legolas was never the one to come up with master plans. But his recent scheming had taught the creepy stalker an unforgettable lesson _and_ got her out of his hair into the bargain. The Mary Sue was giving Legolas the silent treatment. Unfortunately, this resulted in her doubling the attention she paid the ranger who was currently hiding in Lothlorien's smallest broom cupboard.

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'Aaaaarryyyyyy…!' called out Melodia Athelas Ramone Ylerita Starlight Urzula Evangeline. 'Where are you? Arry!'

She had looked everywhere for her sweetums. The archery practice field, the stables, the library, Celeborn's office, the armoury; everywhere such a lord of men would be. Where _was_ he?

She went to the gardens. 'Arrykins? Are you out there?'

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The four hobbits were having a picnic, sitting around a large pond with their feet in the water. Merry was telling them about a party in Buckland.

'We were all a bit tipsy, Shrimp, Will, Theo and I. Then Stella came around with a platter of cakes. Out of impulse I kissed her on the lips. You won't believe this; she giggled! Theo went and pecked her on the cheek and she slapped _him…_'

'Exactly how drunk were you?' Pippin interjected skeptically. 'For the life of me I can't imagine why a pretty girl like Estella would fancy a nutcase like you.'

'Diamond was _crying_ after her last date with you.'

'Because she fell and hurt herself!'

'You pushed her!'

'There was a huge snake where she was standing, what was I supposed to do?'

'It was a rubber snake, you wuss. I should know, I put it there.'

'WHAT! You…'

As Pippin prepared to strangle his best friend, the hobbits heard _her_ voice; 'Arrykins? Are you out there?'

With looks of horror, Pippin dived headfirst into a nearby bush and Merry jumped into the pond, holding his breath. Frodo, always a bit slow on the uptake, stood rooted on the spot. Sam tried to decide where to hide, but it was too late.

The Mary Sue approached the two petrified hobbits.

'Frodo, sweetie, have you seen Strider?'

Frodo shook his head violently.

Suddenly the she looked into his wide eyes with an odd expression on her face.

'Oh, Frodo!' she breathed, taking his face in her hands. 'Oh, you have the most beauuuutiful eyes!

Frodo tried to gulp and found out that his throat was too busy retching. He shot Sam a pleading look. Sam shrugged apologetically as if to say 'I will help you with Sauron, but this is a whole new evil.'

'Oh, SUCH _big, blue _eyes!' simpered the Mary sue.

'Mimwimble….' whimpered Frodo.

The Mary Sue giggled. 'Frodo, you make me feel like a pedophile!'

'MOMMYYYYYYYYYY!'

Frodo broke away from the Mary Sue's grip, turned and sprinted away with his eyes shut tight. The Mary Sue took after him.

Pippin and Merry emerged from their hiding places.

'I don't think Mr Frodo will ever open his eyes again.' said Sam sadly. The three hobbits watched as Frodo blindly crashed into trees, elves and a shocked Galadriel as he ran screaming, with the Mary Sue still behind him.

'There goes the Ring Bearer officially chosen by the Council of Elrond' sighed Merry.

Pippin shook his head.

'Why don't we just drop Elrond a post card and tell him that Middle-earth is doomed?'

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**A/N: Leave a review! ;)**


	7. Arwen bashing is Suecide

**A/N: Here we are. The last chapter. Thank you so much for your reviews, they brightened my day. XXX **

**Disclaimer: I'm tired of disclaimers. Merry, would you do it for me?**

** Merry: Of course, LotrFanUntoDeath. **

** (Turns to the audience) LotrFanUntoDeath doesn't own Lord of the Rings. **

7. Aragorn is devoted to Arwen. Deal with it.

It took Aragorn, Boromir, a pot of grease and a whole evening to drag Frodo down the tree he had attached himself to. While Merry and Pippin distracted the Mary Sue, poor Sam ran around flapping his hands.

By the time the day arrived to depart from Lorien, tempers had run a tad short.

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The Lord and Lady of Galadhrim bid them farewell. Galadriel them handed them all gifts from Lothlorien. (The Mary Sue wondered why her gift was a framed convex mirror… The Lady gave no explanation.)

The company got into the boats; Aragorn, Frodo and Sam into one, Boromir and the younger hobbits into another and Legolas and Gimli into the last. To no one's surprise, the Mary Sue came flying (gliding) and deposited herself in Aragorn's boat, assuring everyone that she didn't weigh a thing.

Much to her disappointment, though, Frodo's eyes were covered. (He was wearing a new invention of Legolas's. It allowed him to see, but prevented anyone from seeing his eyes. Legolas called it _shades_.)

The Fellowship set sail.

The Mary Sue turned to Aragorn.

'Hey, Gorniekins, you don't have a girlfriend back at home, do you?'

Gorniekins glared at her to convey the message that she was the last person he wanted to discuss about his betrothed with.

Error: Message sending failed.

'Do you?' pressed the Mary Sue.

'Yes.'

'What? Oh... you mean that Arweny chick. Well, too bad for her, huh? When are you going to tell her that we are together now?'

Stony silence. The others were looking everywhere but at Aragorn.

The MS continued;

'Oh come on. She'll get over you. Seriously, what _were _you thinking? She's soooo ugly and slutty!'

'How dare you talk about the Undomiel like that?' growled Frodo. Even Pippin was shaking with fury. Aragorn didn't utter a word. Sam slowly edged away from him; a vein was jumping in the Ranger's right temple.

Legolas remembered the time Aragorn discovered a rude poem Lindir had written about Arwen. The Elf had come out of it sporting a black eye and a bald head. This wasn't going to be pretty...

'Ugh, that hair! I'd die if my hair was so BLACK. Hasn't she even _heard _of highlights? And _what's_

with the...'

'Boromir!' Aragorn barked, making everyone jump.' You first order as my steward is to make sure that the darkest, dampest cell in the dungeons of Minas Tirith is infested with vipers, centipedes, rats and tarantulas, understand?'

'Got it.' Boromir said, grinning.

'She thinks she's soooo pretty, seriously, who does she think she is, Bella Swan? The way she talks! Dumb bitch.'

Looking absolutely calm and serene, Aragorn broke the oar he was holding into two with his bare hands. Frodo gulped and reached for the spare oars.(He had wondered why there were two... Elves were a wise folk.)

'Seriously, Arry, don't let the Elves-save-themselves-for-their-soulmate stuff fool you. She being the greedy slut she is, I bet she has...'

WHAMMMMM!

Sam was standing on the boat, his feet well apart. He was holding his saucepan like a club. The Mary Sue lay unconscious.

'It wasn't very gentlemanly of me, Strider,' he said panting. 'But I just couldn't take it anymore.'

The Fellowship were silent for a few seconds, soaking in the beautiful silence. Then the cheers erupted.

Aragorn and Frodo grabbed the Mary Sue's limp form and flung her bodily onto the river bank. (They didn't aim for a heap of dung on _purpose, _of course...)

Singing praises for Sam and songs of victory, the Fellowship of the Ring sailed down the Anduin. They later faced countless perils and fought many a foul foe, but none more deadly than the evil they just escaped from.

_'Row row row your boat,_

_Gently down the stream;_

_Kick the stalker up her pants _

_and listen to her scream'_

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A/N: Don't forget to leave a review! :)


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